Definitive Disney Rankings: Princess Edition

So, I recently watched Moana and it’s safe to say: I’m obsessed. As much as “Where You Are” is stuck in my head, I don’t think Moana is every going to take over the number one spot in my heart for Ariel. I recently spent five amazing days in Disney, I’m going through withdrawal, and now I’m sitting here, thinking about which princesses I like the best. And thus, this post was born!

Disclaimer: this is solely based on my opinion, and my opinion only.

Another disclaimer: I have not seen every Disney princess movie, so Tiana (The Princess and the Frog) and Merida (Brave) won’t be included on this list (sorry, ladies). In addition, Moana definitely counts as a princess, so she will be included on this list. Anna and Elsa (Frozen) will be ranked as one.

11. Aurora, Sleeping Beauty (1959)

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Okay, I get the movie is called Sleeping Beauty. I understand, she’s literally a sleeping beauty. But what ranks her dead last here is the fact that in the entire movie, she has eighteen minutes of speaking lines, because she’s asleep the whole goddamn time. Sorry Disney, not impressed. Although, she probably is the princess I relate to the most. Always sleepy.

Favorite song from the movie: No, just no.

10. Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

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Honestly, I’ve only seen Snow White and the Seven Drwarfs once. But I mean, Snow White finds herself down here because she was dumb enough to take an apple from a fucking witch and eat the damn thing. Like girl, did no one teach you not to talk to strangers?

Favorite song from the movie: “Heigh-Ho

9. Pocahontas, Pocahontas (1995)

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Another movie I’ve only seen a hand full of times. I don’t have much to say about Pocahontas, just that it’s pretty far fetched and that she has a cute little sidekick (shout out to you, Meeko).

Favorite song from the movie: “Colors of the Wind” (obviously)

8. Anna and Elsa, Frozen (2013)

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I used to be Anna and Elsa’s biggest fan. Tom thinks that the dynamic duo should be much higher on the list. But, I worked as a party planner for children’s birthdays and quickly got tired of the loud screams to “Let It Go.” Over it. 100% over the whole Frozen craze. Not to mention, the ride in Norway at Epcot is almost impossible to get on, so I hope you both enjoy your stay at the bottom of my list forever.

Favorite song from the movie: “In Summer

7. Belle, Beauty and the Beast (1991)

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I wanted to rank her higher, but honestly couldn’t because the movie Beauty and the Beast was completed ruined by my sister. I love the fact that she is depicted as a smart woman, and that she sticks it to Gaston any chance she can get. She clearly values family, by giving herself up to the Beast so her father can be freed. But, I don’t get how she falls in love with a literal Beast, and then doesn’t know it’s him after literally watching him transform back to his human form..? Belle, you’re smarter than this.

Favorite song from the movie: “Be Our Guest

6. Jasmine, Aladdin (1992)

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I’ve only seen Aladdin a couple of times. But I don’t like or dislike Jasmine. Honestly, I’m pretty jealous of her totally animated body and the length of her hair. Also, she has a tiger for a pet and that’s fucking sick. She also has a pretty sassy attitude, so keep on rocking homegirl.

Favorite song from the movie: “Friend Like Me

5. Cinderella, Cinderella (1950)

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You gotta feel a little for the girl. I mean, she is literally a slave to her rude ass step-mom and step-sisters. She gets her dress ripped to shreds so she can’t go to the ball. Like Jasmine, I can’t really pinpoint any particular reason to not like Cinderella. It’s more so the surrounding plot in the movie, like why didn’t the glass slipper disappear when the clock struck midnight when everything else turned back? How is it that Cinderella was the only one in the entire village with that size foot? Where can I find a band of animals to clean my fucking room? Also, v-jealous she has a fairy godmother to give her what she needs.

Favorite song from the movie: “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo

4. Moana, Moana (2016)

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I literally watched Moana for the first time last week, after finally mustering up the courage to watch it after being told that she loses her grandma (something kind of personal for me). I’m really glad I watched it, because it was truly one of the better of the princess movies for me. I was amazed with the animation, absolutely loved her wit and her sidekicks, Dwayne Johnson as Maui could not have been better cast. I like how she sticks up for herself and finds her own voice to save her village. Keep on doing you, Moana.

Favorite song from the film: “Where You Are

3. Rapunzel, Tangled (2010)

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I need to start this with Tangled is one of my favorite Disney movies. To me, this movie is so much better than Frozen (and I won’t hear any argument against it). This girl was kidnapped by some old bitch who wanted to stay young, she has magic hair, a cute little chameleon as a companion, and falls in love with a criminal. Okay, maybe that last part isn’t the greatest, but at least he saved her in the end!

Favorite song from the movie: “Mother Knows Best

2. Mulan, Mulan (1998)

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Talk about a badass. I fucking love Mulan. She sacrifices her safety for her family, ultimately shows every man up when she climbs and retreives the arrow, and does it again when she saves fucking China. There’s not a single thing I don’t like about Mulan.

Favorite song from the movie: “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You

1. Ariel, The Little Mermaid (1989)

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Told you no one would take over this spot. The Little Mermaid was one of the first Disney princess movies I saw when I was little, and forever it will stay in my heart. I am pretty obsessed with mermaids, and that probably has something to do with how popular she is to me. She breaches the water with perfect hair every goddamn time, has the most handsome Prince (Ily, Prince Eric) and shows the sea bitch who’s boss in the end. She also has a pretty decent sequel, where she has a daughter!

Favorite song from the movie: “Part of Your World

Thoughts? Arguments? Complaints? Let a bitch know.

5 thoughts on “Definitive Disney Rankings: Princess Edition

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