Like an untrained dog. Like a hungry bear. Like a poisonous snake. 

I’m vicious: Viciously unhappy, disgustingly aware of it. 

I’ve struggled with the element of coping my entire life. Coping with grief, unhappiness, uncertainty of the future. I’ve never been able to deal with loss of anything, not even a school ID that has many a time driven me into a downward spiral. This downward spiral I speak of has been an ongoing thing for a couple of years now, and it’s been something I’ve refused to seek help with out of fear of being medicated: a fair fear of someone who has experienced being medicated to alter emotions. And although my emotions are out of whack right now, I have zero interest in altering myself even more to pretend to be okay. 

The month of November has drained everything from me. Any shred of happiness I had coming into the month has been ripped from my cold hands. It almost feels like I’m undeserving of happiness, because through the constant wave of sadness it seems merely impossible that I’m destined to be happy. 

My happiness has evicted itself from my life. I’m merely a shell of who I used to be, a cold stranger living in a familiar body. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know how to be okay, I just don’t know. 


PS: I’m not in a position to purposely hurt myself. I’m struggling to make sense of the events of my life and am seeking outside help to finally learn how to cope with my unhappiness. The only thing I ask is to not be bombarded with messages about my posts, I can promise I have zero intention to hurt myself or others. Thank you. 

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